The Tale of DB Swooper
by TheCrazyPerson44
Summary: Roger the Alien is the legendary DB Swooper, a parody of the real life criminal legend DB Cooper. A one-shot that may be extended later on.


A strange old man who looked like a gray alien had just boarded a plane. He adjusted his tie, sipped some coffee and pulled out a feather quill pen and began writing a note. As he dipped his quill pen in ink and chomped on a cigar, a flight attendant next to him couldn't help but notice his tranquil and yet almost antique-like strange demeanor and attitude.

"Hello Miss. I'm a nice guy. My name is DB Swooper" said Roger.

"Oh, hello DB Swooper. Anything I can do for you?" asked the female flight attendant. Upon hearing these words his niceness suddenly changed into a panic.

"I need a bourbon, four tequillas, twenty parachutes, and two hundred thousand dollars now or I'm gonna do it, bitch, you'll all have to see my ass naked.

I want it paid to me in two dollar bills, no QUARTERS. Yes, two hundred thousand dollars in quarters before this flight lands in Langley Falls, or I expose myself in front of all of you completely naked!" demanded Roger.

"Umm...wha-wha-what?" asked the flight attendant.

"DO IT! Bad folk songs are gonna be written about me, trust me this idea is gold, best part is no one gets hurt!

Tell the boys in the cockpit I'm serious. I have a magical cake that can transform all of you people into chimeras" shouted Roger.

"Oh...okaay?" said the flight attendant who began explaining the situation to the pilots. The pilots just laughed. When the flight attendant returned

Roger seemed to have big black eyes. No actually those were his sunglasses.

"I'm wearing sunglasses now. I'm so badass" said Roger.

"So, um, were you going to show me something?" asked the flight attendant.

"Sure, when are you free? I'm up for anything" replied Roger.

"NO. I mean the pilots don't believe you. Air Traffic Control won't give in to your prank" said the flight attendant.

"Look, here's the cake right here. And it has Fischer Price dynamite in it" said Roger.

"OH NO! DYNAMITE! HE'S GOT DYNAMITE!" shouted the flight attendant. Roger's ridiculous demands were then met and when the plane was about

to arrive in its destination he pulled out a parachute and jumped out. He landed in an underground lair where he was met by Men in Black (Tm) who

escorted him and the money to a secret room.

"Ya guys got Hulu?" asked Roger, slouching back on the sofa.

"Yes. We do indeed" replied the Men in Black in creepy unison.

"Ahh, this is good" said Roger.

"Did you get the five hundred billion dollars?" asked the men.

"Five hundred billion dollars? You really expected me to remember what I was supposed to do?

I was in a bipolar paradise okay?" shouted Roger.

"Demand the rest from the CIA. According to a website I read they treat aliens with upmost respect" said one of the men in black.

"That should be easy" said Roger, lighting up a cigarette. "That flight attendant was hot. Maybe I should have had a roll in the hay with her, huh?"

"Smith, sit down," said Bullock.

"What is it you need to tell me?" asked Stan.

"Smith, some shocking news has come to my attention from some of our friends in the FBI. DB Swooper has been identified. However, he is hiding

in a secure location underground. We need you to infiltrate" said Bullock.

"DB Swooper. Let me see the photos. Oh my god, it's Roger!" said Stan.

"WHAT? What are you talking about? You knew him?" asked Bullock.

"No no. I was just getting a text from my old friend Roger" said Stan.

"Yes. Yes. Well, our intel suggests that DB Swooper is hiding somewhere right here in Langely Falls. He's underneath the movie theatre in an underground lair.

The entrance is underneath a welcome mat" said Bullock.

"A welcome mat. Haha. Soon to be a goodbye mat huh? I'll blast it!" said Stan.

Later...

"Stan Smith, CIA. Wait...ROGER?" said Stan.

"That's right. I was DB Swooper. I'll give you the money on one condition. Never tell anyone that I was him. It's THIS guy!" said Roger pulling

out Steve from behind a cell. Roger put the dark sunglasses on Steve.

"Deal! Hahaha. Ah-hahah. He looks like Steve a bit. Funny" said Stan.

"WHAT? I'm not Db Swooper" said Steve.

"Tell it to Bullock" said Stan.

"Stan, that is NOT DB Swooper" said Bullock.

"I got the money though" said Stan.

"Good, but I still want DB Swooper" said Bullock.

"Oh my. Apparently it's my son. Sorry kiddo, I know you're not a criminal. Come on Steve you're going home" said Stan. Just then

an FBI investigator came in. It was Roger.

"Don't worry B Man. I'm gonna help you find this guy. I'm Lt. CoLimbo, currently in a state of mental limbo here. Now. And always.

Always in mental limbo. I'm insane. But in order to catch an insane man you need to think like him" said Roger.

"Oh, I know. Believe me, I know that more than anyone" said Bullock, looking crosseyed.

"Good. So this guy? He's Stan. He got on the plane as Stan Swooper everyone knows that. He was on a rogue criminal mission that was contrary to

everything you stand for, sex drugs and rock. You gotta get him" said Roger.

"Oh dear. Stan Smith. Now if I could just figure out who this Roger fellow is" said Bullock, rubbing his palms together.

"Roger? That's an easy one. He's Steve. Stan wanted to pin it all on Steve, the sick freak" said Roger.

The End.


End file.
